no longer a "newbie."

I don't know when it happened. It wasn't like a BAM moment, or like a lightning strike or anything like that... it must've been a slow creep (kinda like weight gain... HA!). But somewhere along the way, I stopped being a "newbie" and started to really understand the technicalities of what I'm doing... with my camera, photoshop and my business in general.

It started simply enough. Still playing with the idea of holding workshops the help the average person capture better everyday images in a creative way, I gave a "test" workshop to a couple of people several months ago. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I know I have the creative eye, but still didn't feel strong with the technical side of things... from the lingo to the settings, I was afraid I would stumble along the way. But it was awesome! They were very appreciative of the information I did impart... which gave both of them several a-ha moments of their own. And I surprised myself with the depth of knowledge that I did possess... almost like a "hey, where did THAT come from?" kind of day.

And as I shoot more and more, my style is becoming apparent. I am definitely learning more of the technical aspects of it all... to the point where now that I know the rules, I am more confident when I break them and know the reason WHY.

Yesterday was a nice surprise. At the OC Photog Shootout (Rockabilly theme), I totally stepped up and held my own against the more seasoned photogs. I spoke up, I directed, and I didn't back down when one of them tried to change what I had in mind for a setup. In short, I rocked it hardcore.

And in one of the setups, the leader asked who the seasoned ones were, and who the novices were. I raised my hands as a novice... I'm not afraid to admit it. After all, I'm there to learn, not to show off what I already know. And so, the leader approached me to try and help out... but then he found out I was shooting RAW. And Kelvin. And in Manual. And he laughed and told me I wasn't a novice. I guess I just still see myself that way... I know there is a LOT to learn, and I know that I don't know it all yet. And never will. But I feel like there's always something new to learn, and I don't have years and years and years of experience under my belt like some others do. And I did pick up a few new things that day... being open to learning new things actually helped me that day... I picked the brain of a few of the different leaders and gained a few new awesome nuggets of knowledge. Totally worth it. And once I came out of my shell a bit more, I was actually praised by a few others for my eye and my skill with working with the models.

I still find it incredible how so many of us can stand side by side and see totally different things.

But there I was... crouching and bending and twisting and finding different things that the other "seasoned" photographers hadn't picked up on yet. I pointed out an archway to use (that ended up being used by the leader as a model's location for the rest of the day). I bent down and looked up to catch a bit of glare off a windshield... pointed it out to the others and had them all try to capture the same shot I just did. I went head to head with a "seasoned" photographer to make sure I had the model stand where and how I wanted (no, I don't WANT her directly under the greenery... even though it would frame her face, I'm tired of battling the green cast that follows)... and I GOT my shot.  : )  And I was praised for chatting up the model when everyone else during the rest of the day had been silent. I got in close, I got friendly. I got my shots and I didn't have to step on any toes to do so.

Whew. Kinda fabulous.

And today, facing my newest challenge... I am DETERMINED to not be afraid of the FLASH any longer. By the time the end of the year rolls around, I will have a working knowledge of the basics so I don't cringe any longer. So I was checking out a recommended book online, and reading the reviews... I hesitated when I read a comment that stated it was "not for novices"... stating that the technical jargon could prevent the novice from using the book effectively. The sample sentence of technical stuff: "drag the shutter speed to let in a bit more ambient light."

That's it? Huh. I know exactly what that means.

I guess I'm not as novice as I thought.  ; )

BIG Bootied HO!

trying this whole "blogging" thing again. don't care if anyone else reads it... sometimes I just need a PLACE to vent, to collect my scattered thoughts before I lose my mind. so, here we go again...

This time around, I'm inspired (again) by wanting to get in shape. well, I'm already in a shape... kinda lumpy. I just want to be in a *prettier* shape. one that doesn't make me feel like ms. potato head...

I've been feeling the urge to work out and eat better for a while now. but I haven't DONE anything about it except feel guilty for knowing what I SHOULD be doing...and then doing the complete opposite. sigh. but enough is enough. i am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror. i am tired of being afraid to wear a bathing suit, even if just in the jacuzzi in the dark. i am tired of being stressed out. i am tired of having no energy to do anything. in short... i am tired of being tired.

My mom just got diagnosed with "water behind the knees" and a pretty bad case of arthritis... for a while now, she's barely been able to WALK. I know that I already have knee issues... why am I making things worse for myself in the future?

So, I make small changes. baby steps. the problem is... I'm really REALLY lazy. I need someone to kick myself in the ass a lot at times before I make any sort of movement towards change. Sucks, but true. It's not a cop-out, it's who I am and who I've always been. I know I need to change this, and I'm working on it, but any kind of change doesn't happen overnight, especially since I've spent 30+ years forming these patterns in the first place.


for the last few days, I've made the time to shop for groceries and actually COOK my meals. And so far, so good. I've made pretty healthy choices, made enough to last for lunch the next day, and saved a LOT of money in the process. let's compare, shall we?

typical weekday of OLD way:
breakfast: scone = $2
lunch: sandwich and soup in cafe downstairs: $9
dinner: mcdonalds (or other fast-food): $9
total each day: $20

NEW way:
groceries to last 2+ full days: $25

wow.

here's what I've cooked so far in the last 3 days:

• ground turkey patties with bbq sauce and mushrooms, cottage cheese, steamed zuchini & mushrooms, and 1/2 an avocado. 
• chicken sausage & tortellini in olive oil and green beans with feta cheese
• teriyaki chicken with pineapples, mushrooms & snap peas on a bed of jasmine rice, with edamame and a side salad

I'm still deciding what to create for tonight. hmmmm.... I've got one thing in mind, but might check allrecipes.com for another idea.

now, let's get PHYSICAL!!! I haven't gone to the gym in a loooooong time. I know, I suck. And I DOUBLY suck because I'm still paying for a gym membership. YIKES! I bit the bullet today and upgraded my membership. Um, why?!! Because it will give me access to the HUGE new gym that is a block away from my home. because, let's face it... I'm lazy and it's all about convenience. If I have time to talk myself out of going to the gym on my way OVER there, I simply won't go. And that sucks. Because I KNOW how much I actually enjoy it when I'm there. It's just getting my lazy butt there in the first place. So, here we go. And, for extra motivation, I'm gonna stop off on my way home to pick up a cute new outfit to wear while working out. Cuz let's face it... my pants look like I'm waiting for a flood, and my outfits in general scream "soccer mom trying to lose baby weight." And, um, I don't HAVE any kids.

And, one more piece of motivation... WRITING IT DOWN. I broke out my FitBook today, and will be creating my plan of attack, and then charting my progress as I go. It plans for a 12-week program, which is perfect! Starting on Monday (April 11), that means that my 12 weeks will be up on July 4th for this round! NICE! And just in time for the swimsuit season, too... Now, I'm not expecting to look totally skinny and svelte here... I just wanna look and feel better than I do NOW. And do something that might actually STICK.

So, others might frown on my goals if they heard them... but I'm trying to keep things realistic here. And I know that I can always step things up as I go along... that once my body starts feeling better, I'll want to put junk into it less and less. But, in any case, here are my goals:

• walk the dog 4+ times a week. (yeah, I KNOW I should be doing it daily. But I don't. I suck.)
• go to the gym 2+ times a week. (again, I KNOW it should be more than this to REALLY get in shape. But I'm trying to be realistic here and not burn out before I start.)
• do a group class at the gym at least 2x a month. They've got some fun ones. This should be easy. 
• cook more meals at home. 
• eat less junk food, especially from the drive-thru. Limit my McDonald's consumption to once a week.

okay. I think that's it for now. I'm documented. I can do this. I can DO this. let's GO!!!

this gets filed under "what the F***???!!!"

Another "I hate my job" moment:

today sucks. and blows. all at the same time.

My boss has a meeting scheduled for 10:00. So, of course, at 9:55, he asks me to print out 2 Excel documents for him that he desperately needs for the meeting. Okay, no problem. I print them out and give them to him. He then asks, are these the only excel spreadsheets in our system for this client? I need them ALL. Oh, and re-print the ones you already gave me, in color.

Okie-dokie.

Unfortunately, my computer runs R-E-A-L-L-Y slow for some godforsaken reason. (They've been trying to fix it for a few months now; I think I FINALLY got through to them and will be getting a new computer soon.)

And, add the fact that these are EXCEL documents that need to be printed. Those that use Excel, groan along with me. Because you understand my pain... each page has to be properly formatted to fit to the page size before printing.

And there were 15 documents to print. Which, with my slow-ass computer, took me a half-hour to do. (Made even MORE complicated by the fact that my co-worker decided to use our shared printer at that very moment to start printing off a bunch of random return envelopes to replenish her stack. Totally unnecessary. And she did it TWICE.)

So, my boss comes out to me and asks where the documents were...says that we might be having a "miscommunication." Nope. Just took forever and a day. (sigh. hand over documents that JUST finished printing out.)

5 minutes later, he hands me the 2 documents I had originally printed out for him (but in color this time), and says that he needs copies of these... he doesn't need ANY of the others. (WTF?!)

And then there's the lunch issue. My boss asks me to order lunch for the 3 of them in the meeting. And even though I order from this place online on an almost daily basis, of COURSE there are issues this time around and I have to call customer service to straighten things out. And of COURSE when I go to pick up the order that was delivered downstairs, I find that we are missing a salad. And of COURSE it's the salad for the attorney with the biggest attitude.

I offered to make a TOGO's run, but thankfully the other 2 people offered to share their salads. So I brought him in a bowl to use for his share.

And then, F-me, my boss pokes his head out of the conference room and asks if I could come back and SPLIT the salad FOR them!!!

Really? Yes, folks. This is my job. THIS is what I went to college for, graduated with my B.A. in Psychology for, and even started by own photography business for... so that I could stand there and move lettuce from one bowl to another while the grown men talk.

F my life.

typical day at the office

My boss sends me an email, requesting that I see him regarding "whitelisting" clients. Uh-oh. I'm not sure what this means, but it's guaranteed to be a tedious project.

It's worse than I thought.

Over the weekend, my boss didn't receive an email that he was supposed to, because it went to his "spam" folder. So, rather than simply get into the habit of checking his spam folder each morning for anything that might have been incorrectly labeled and sent there, he has decided to take it upon himself (correction: assign to ME) to make sure that this doesn't happen in the future.

He flippantly tells me that "someone in the office, not necessarily you" (read between the lines... definitely ME) needs to add ALL of the possible contacts of his to this "whitelist" in Outlook, to make sure that all of those contacts' emails will get through to him.

I look at him with incredulity, my jaw practically dropping to the floor... because he has hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of contacts. And some of them have multiple email addresses, so they would ALL need to make it to this list.

I inform him (again) that since the spam filters have been updated, there will only be the occasional email that gets trapped there, and that all he needs to do is to click on an email in that folder and "accept" the sender, which automatically adds them to the "whitelist." He says that he simply cannot take that chance. And that we need to add ALL the people he has been in contact with... even if he hasn't been in contact with them for several years, just in case they send him something out of the blue. (his words, not mine.)

My jaw tightens with anger as I grasp the absurdity of this project.

I take a deep breath. Then, calmly, I let him know that there is no official office "whitelist," and that all of the other attorneys decided against doing something like this, since it seemed like an awful lot of work for something that could be gotten around in a simple manner (by just checking your g**damned spam folder!!!), and that he was the only one requesting this.

He said he understood, but wanted to proceed, nonetheless.

He said that I could start with the list of his contacts that I had created for him over 6 months ago, when the office had changed names... (flashback... the attorneys in the office were supposed to send out an email to their contacts, to make them aware of the name change of the firm. My boss had me create this precise list for him, which took me nearly a month to do (with all the research and revisions involved), and then the email was never sent out. And all my work was for naught.)

In any case, he mentions that I might start with that list I put together for him those many months ago. However, he states, the list only includes one email address per person... and he needs to make sure that ALL email addresses per person be included on this "whitelist" of his.

I close my eyes tightly, press my thumbs to my temples, and try to collect my thoughts. Before I lose my mind completely.

"Okay, so just to clarify," I say..."you want me to go through the hundreds of people on this list, and add those names and addresses to this other "whitelist." Then I need to go one by one and look up each person in your Outlook contact folder, and make sure that those additional addresses for every single person are also added to this list?"

Yes, that is correct.

He says that I should get in contact with our IT person, and maybe there is an easier way to do all this. (I want to scream... you mean, like checking your DAMN SPAM FOLDER, like EVERYONE ELSE seems to be okay with doing???!!!)

ugh. I hate my job.

I leave the IT guy a voicemail, and now I wait to see how bad this is really going to be.

excerpt from the office

I am standing in my boss's office as he scans the accounting charts I've just handed him, against my better judgment. Because I know that he won't just take a quick scan and let them go. Nope. He takes it upon himself to go through the document line by line, questing each payment and calculation made. I remind him that I just got off the phone with the accountant, and that she said (with a sigh, knowing how difficult my boss can be) that everything was up to date; that nothing had changed since he put her through this same process last week.

At first, my boss asks me direct questions about the different entries; he asks me to run the calculations myself and make sure the numbers compute. I take a deep breath, then calmly remind him that the calculations were made in the accounting program itself; that since no human was involved in the addition, the numbers would be correct. And I remind him, again, that the accountant just told me that everything is current and up to date.

He grunts, then continues to go through the documents. Muttering as he goes along. I focus on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Try to ignore the tightening in my stomach as I stand there. The minutes tick by. I'm still standing there, and he's still mumbling. I tune him out so that he becomes background noise... the sound of a pesky fly buzzing nearby.

"...2,653 on February 12... 12,865 on March 13... but what is this?"

I realize that he has stopped talking, as he had just asked a question. Oh, crap. I wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. I am instantly transported back to my trigonometry class during my senior year of high school. As the teacher calls on me and all heads swing my way, and I haven't got a clue. He might have been speaking another language, for all I know...

The silence is deafening, as the blood rushes to my ears and I try to think of something to say. Something, ANYTHING, as he is waiting for an answer. My mouth starts to form a word... "um" is the best I can do to stall for more time. But before I can utter a vowel, he continues to talk to himself.

"okay. that makes sense now."

I continue to stand there. And stand there. And stand there. My eye is caught by some pictures hanging from his computer screen. They are familiar to me... pictures that I took of his daughter. And I hone in on those images... they are my salvation as I stand there, biting my tongue till I can almost taste the blood. Those pictures are why I am here. Those pictures are my goal. Those pictures are what makes this drudgery all worth it... because one day, taking pictures like those will replace this nightmare of a daily office job.

I stand there and hold onto that thought until my boss looks up and dismisses me from his office... 20 minutes later.

fail.

I'm remembering when 2010 was new. Bright & shiny, and full of possibilities. And I was filled with determination. This will be the year I get healthy. This will be the year I get in shape. I was full of energy and motivation and ready to conquer the world.

Tony gave it two weeks.

In actuality, I only lasted one-and-a-half.

*sigh*

I suck.

I haven't seen the inside of the gym since mid-January, and my Wii Fit is already collecting dust. Even my late-night infomercial purchase of a 10-minute workout dvd routine (at Tony's urging, mind you) goes unused by me. (Thankfully, Tony has been getting some use out of it.) While I have been continuing my walks around the neighborhood, even those are less frequent than before, and often at Tony's urging.

*double sigh*

I've noticed that my eating habits are slipping back towards the dark side, as well. (NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) Fridays in my office mean that there are fresh donuts and bagels. Oh, and fruit, too. But I see the fluffy carbs. And cream cheese. And I give in.

This whole blog post is the result of me noticing that I had gone back to the kitchen for a piece of sprinkled donut. (And this is after I'd already chowed down on 1/2 a bagel and 1/2 a donut already.)

Crapsticks.

I could give my normal "shpeel" about how I don't have time to workout, I've been stressed, yada yada yada... but those are just excuses. Those things will never change. I will always be short on time. And I will always be stressed about one thing or another.

So, while I sit here and type this (and have NO intention of going to the gym later today), at least I can console myself with the thought all of this has been REALIZED. And, it's been said that knowing is half the battle... (G.I. Joe?)

And, there's always tomorrow, right?

I'm in LOVE...

So, I rented a new lens tonight. I thought I'd give it a shot, upon hearing several wedding photographers swear by this one in particular. Back to basics: I'm talking about a 50mm fixed-length lens. Hmmmm... I've always passed this one up, thinking that I didn't need it since I had a zoom lens that was able to adjust to that length. But MAN, I didn't know what I was missing. This one is SWEET. (As long as I remember that I have to move MYSELF in order to zoom...ha!) This makes for some AWESOME portraits with shallow depth of field.

Not wanting to wait to test it out till tomorrow (at Shaun & Hollie's engagement shoot), I just used a favorite subject of mine tonight: my dog, Jasper. He's a pretty good model, especially when I bribe him with a few treats.

These photos were taken in my condo, in the near-dark (the lighting is bad in my house), with no flash.

I can't wait to use this lens tomorrow, under better conditions.  Seriously, I think this will be my next purchase.

connecting the dots

My head and heart are so full right now

I read this posting from Jasmine Star this morning, and was deeply touched by it:

Yesterday I sat at my desk and spoke into the phone while JD sat on the floor typing away at his computer. That's when it happened. The quiver in my voice, the sting in my eyes. My nose turns red right before I'm going to cry, it's a dead giveaway. There I sat like Rudolph the Reindeer and tried to keep my ish together. I thanked the guy on the other end of the phone for his time and hung up.

I leaned my head back on my chair and fought the tears. I was fine until JD reached up from the floor and touched my hand. Much like touching a full sponge, I leaked. As the tears fell, he promised everything was going to be okay. Not like all dramatic and soap opera-ish (cue the soft lights, the stringed music and please throw in a line that starts with By God I shall never leave you...). It was more like we've been here before.

It's just that I feel lost and I don't know how to connect the dots, I said.

JD and I are working on a new project and for the first time in a long time, I feel like my world is rocked. Strangely enough, this is how I started my photography business. And I'm feeling quite the same way. Lost, frustrated, worried, overwhelmed. I'm posting this blog entry because I want to remember. Remember the emotion that comes with risk and being on the cusp of success. Or failure. Oh that blurry line I so strongly detest.

I know there might be a few others who know how I'm feeling right now. Oh, Internet, I get you. I tangibly know the feelings of frustration and worry ... but I also know the emotion that accompanies risk: joy, excitement, and fear. I hope this post makes you feel less alone. Or, really, makes me feel less alone. Because if I was totally being honest, all I really want is for a random blog reader to find me in the street today and say By God I shall never leave you...

I kid, Internet, I kid.

Her posting and the emotions revealed within it are so very real to me. I feel as if I am in the same exact place right now. And it's just so. very. hard.

random thoughts: tony.

I was writing another blog post, and these words tumbled out from my keyboard. So I decided to give them their own post instead:

I have a wonderful partner in Tony, in that he has always been supportive of me, whatever it is that I choose to pursue. He and I are both creative/artistic souls, and he understand how big a part this plays in our lives. Tony is so amazingly proud at what I have accomplished with my photo business already, and is (almost) equally excited as new triumphs occur. He tells me that he's never surprised, though... always telling me how good I am, and that it will just take time, but that I'll get to where I want to be someday. He doesn't mind the long nights I spend on the computer, where he barely gets a chance to play his favorite obsession (Bejewelled), and our conversations occur across the room because he is on the couch and I am stuck in the computer chair. He doesn't mind that I stay home on weekend nights because I have a deadline to meet. As I sit there in that chair, night after night, and rub my eyes from bleariness or let out a deep sigh, he wanders my way and stops behind me, massaging my tired shoulders and laying a relaxing hand across my forehead. And in those moments my frustration bursts through and I curse or get choked up and try not to cry, he is there, moving me aside and taking over. Taking the stress and strain off of me, he handles the technical stuff so it's one less thing for me to worry about.

He is a wonderful partner. And I miss him.

For the last few nights, we have gone out walking together. We take the dog and the flashlight, and walk the 2-mile loop around our neighborhood. Half uphill, half downhill. It's great exercise, it tries our patience (as we take turns struggling to make the dog cooperate), and it gives us a chance to unwind from the day. Together. I can't speak for Tony, but for me, it's been very cathartic. I feel united with him, and at peace with us. We went out to dinner last night, and it felt like a date. Not just a dinner where we vented about our day and spoke of our "to do" lists, but a date.


And this morning we went for another walk before heading to work. It was Tony's idea, since the dog was going to be cooped up longer than usual (we're meeting up with his family for dinner tonight). It was a wonderful way to start the day. It just felt good to walk beside him.

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